


eventide

by oceanglow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AtsuHina Week 2020, Forgiveness, M/M, Moving On, letting go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26856163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oceanglow/pseuds/oceanglow
Summary: Atsumu made sure to take Shoyo to the beach again, as watching the sunset at the beachfront is their favorite thing to do in a date. Little did he know, this is also Atsumu's letting go.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	eventide

Atsumu made sure to pack the bags correctly with Sho’s essentials—hand towels, powder, a small bottle of hand sanitizer and a sunscreen cream. He doesn’t have any intentions on making the latter suffer.

He shoved the bags at the backseat and guided Sho to occupy the gunshot. They drove almost 40 minutes away from the bustling city of Tokyo to the nearest beach.

Atsumu shot a glance to his partner and said, “You can take a nap, babe. I’ll wake you up when we get there.” He also did not forget to strike a smile, which Sho describes as a curved portion of Atsumu’s face which is something so refined and unique that no one will ever forget.

He continued to drive while humming to some of the songs playing on the stereo when he got contented after shifting from channel to channel for several minutes.

He opened the windows to let the fresh air circulate inside the vehicle. It is sometimes suffocating, he thought. His dark hair glistening as the sunlight pass through open the window to his pale skin.

𝐼𝑡 ℎ𝑎𝑠 𝑏𝑒𝑒𝑛 𝑎 𝑙𝑜𝑛𝑔 𝑡𝑖𝑚𝑒, 𝑆ℎ𝑜. 𝐼’𝑙𝑙 𝑙𝑒𝑡 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑠𝑒𝑒 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑠𝑢𝑛𝑠𝑒𝑡 𝑓𝑟𝑜𝑚 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑒𝑎𝑐ℎ 𝑎𝑔𝑎𝑖𝑛.

He knows Sho absolutely hates it when he drives fast. As Sho takes it, it feels like his head would fly off and his soul would be left 7 kilometers behind. However, Atsumu also knows that he can appease the other by promising not to do it again and giving him a kiss on the forehead.

After a few minutes, they arrived at the beach 3 hours before sunset. Atsumu quickly laid the cloth by the shore to have a place to sit while peacefully watching the sun setting.

“How was it? We just made it in time, yeah? Glad I sped up.”

He glanced at Sho and meeting the eyes of other—so serene and because he was having a feeling like it’s penetrating his soul, he added,

“A bit. I just sped up a bit, babe.”

Atsumu regretted not visiting this place for the past few years. He realized he missed it a lot—the place’s ambiance and the memories they both had here.

He started bringing out the foods he prepared for this special day.

“Ah, I cooked a lot. But these are all your favorites and I had a hard time choosing what to cook, so I prepared them all.” He let out a chuckle.

He set up the all the utensils and opened all of the containers—revealing the appetizing foods bursting with various colors and mouth-watering smell of herbs and spices.

“Thanks for the food!” He exclaimed.

Atsumu started eating while occasionally exchanging looks with Sho and flashing a smile from time to time. He told the other about his twin’s restaurant who is currently head over heels with his former high school volleyball teammate.

Atsumu stopped talking for a while and gazed at the framed picture in front of him. It was a sunny day, Sho was blushing due to the heat, sweat trickling down from his forehead yet he was still brightly smiling in that photo. That photo is Atsumu’s favorite.

He felt his eyes getting wet, and a lump was forming on his throat.

And there, his tears started escaping from his eyes, he gaped at the sky with the sun slowly setting.

“Why, Sho? Why did I survive? Why didn’t you?”

Waves of memories from that night flooded Atsumu’s mind.

It was a rainy night, a heavy one. The road was slippery. They were inside the car on their way home, arguing. They were shouting at each other, almost at each other’s throat. He cannot fully remember what it was about, but he’s sure it was pretty deep judging by how frustrated Sho was. 

“ATSUMU!”

. His and Sho’s emotions were taking over their logic, making Atsumu even forget that he was driving. Before he could realize and hit the break, a loud honk and screeching of a vehicle and a bright flash of light numbed his senses.

The next thing he remembers is Sho’s funeral.

They were all wearing black. Friends and families are giving their condolences, trying to ease the pain by sympathizing.

How lame, he thought. Nothing’s gonna change even if they give the moon and stars to him.

Sho is gone.

After 5 years, he was able to finally move forward, little by little.

For Sho’s 5th death anniversary, Atsumu thought of taking him to the beach once again. Like their usual date.

But he realized, the framed photo would never replace Sho’s warm and bright presence.

“You taught me various things. But you never taught me how to pull myself together after losing you.” He cried.

He didn’t cry on the funeral.

Even the days after.

Until it took months.

Years.

This is the first time Atsumu cried after Sho’s death. This is the first time he cried after 5 long years.

Maybe this is his “letting go”, he thought. 

Letting his anger, pain, frustration, fears, sadness, self-loathe and great guilt go by the tears he all held captive for several years. It was half numbness and the other half was being a “man” which prevented him from breaking down.

He never thought it would be this hard. It was not easy. It was hell. Trapped on the cages of guilt as he realized that he was driving irresponsibly, arguing with the love of his life and he got to survive but Sho died. 

It was his fault but he survived. He couldn’t forgive himself.

If only he knew it was the last time he’s going to see and spend time with him, he could have just given Sho a kiss on the forehead, or a hug, or held his hand, anything but shout at him.

He never thought going here would cause this much pain.

After hours of mourning and weeping for the death of his loved one, the tears finally stopped.

He felt lighter. Eyes puffy but heart lighter. He glanced at Sho’s framed photo.

“I love you so much, Sho. Thank you for spending time with me today.”

He packed the bag and Sho’s framed photo.

He stood up, stretched, and stared at the sun disappearing into the horizon. He smiled as the color of the sky reminded him of Sho’s orange hair. He closed his eyes and felt the warmth of the sun envelope his whole being.

He felt as though it was Sho’s arms. This warmth feels like forgiveness, he thought. He feels forgiven by his dead most loved one. 

He felt like he forgave himself and accepted his mistakes. He realized that accepting himself and crying helps in releasing suppressed emotions and the society’s viewpoint about men shedding tears is just straight up crap, this is just a social structure that society imposes on them. Men’s strength does not rely on the amount of emotional burden they can carry without shedding a single drop of tear, instead, their unique positive individuality and humane fundamentals builds the strength for them. Sho’s death made him realize that the best form of self-care is self-acceptance and self-forgiveness; the things he deprived himself of for 5 years. 

The sun is like Sho. Warm, bright, gives him energy, gives him something to look forward to every single day.

It sets. It disappears for the moon to take over.

But it rises again the next day. It comes back.

Atsumu now believes that Sho never left him. Maybe physically, but Sho’s warmth never left his heart.

He realized that he’s glad the sun exists. It became a daily reminder that Sho is there with him somewhere.

He walked back to his car, shoved the bag and Sho’s framed photo on the gunshot seat and stared at the sky for the last time. Twilight is beautiful.

He thought,

Sho’s love will never disappear even if the sun sets.

It is tattooed on his memory.

It is tattooed on his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm sorry. i just wanted to make you cry :")


End file.
